reason for essay

finishing the apocalypse book on my own, before sending it out, I wrote the line “the cries of leftover apocalypses were all that remained” to help me stop trying to use up all the lines i’d collected over the years– the apocalypses themselves were in part a way for me to use homeless fragments from my notebooks that wouldn’t cohere and kept accumulating.  finishing the edits on the book I wrote a few new pieces to balance out some broader concerns and re-encountered the leftover lines and ideas.  I tried again to collage them, I had this urge to use “everything” — to use up every breath I have that is in the voice of this book- and I found it painful to be able to re-enter that palette and keep producing phrases.  but the piece I made was the worst of the new apocalypses and I had to let it go.  maybe it’s an aftershock of that feeling, but today as I’m trying to get back into the palette of the novel (this is a way of saying ‘voice’ that I’m trying out that feels more meaningful, more descriptive or concrete), I started thinking that maybe the things I will have to leave out of this book will be material for an essay, a lyric essay, and that maybe for me the way to have something nonfiction feel like it has anything to do with what I care about would be as a way to put leftovers from fiction to work and into a form.  what a tease I am with myself, or my things.

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