pills

Anxious night and here it is morning, trying to, what do you call it, work.  As I go back through the first six chapters making everything explicit to me and on the page, it gets longer and that makes me feel a little like I’m progressing.  The idea was 20 pg chapters but they are really btwn 25 and 30 this way.  So who’s counting but that puts me a solid 150 pgs into first draft.  It might make sense as I keep thinking the next thing that has to happen is a fairly big plot-event, in which the company she works for without paying attention to it collapses behind her back.  That would be part of a crest.  The anxiety came in part from this:  from feeling like I have written myself not into a corner but to the base of a mountain I don’t have the skills gear or knowledge to climb.  And in this moment I found myself asking for release from my work to do this project, and noticing deadlines for residencies and such approaching and the last feedback I got on what I wanted to use as a sample was this is incomprehensible.  But the anxiety took the form of “who the fuck do I think I am?”  Lazy, lazy trying to get out of working like everyone else even though one thing I think is people who aren’t trying to get out of work are largely deluded into thinking their work is something like meaningful– meaningful as in Good.  Is that still what I think or has Arab Spring & Occupy made me feel like some things people put their minds to matter because they did a good job?  I know that what I do all day when I am on my own is just as Good or Stupid or Irresponsible as what I do at the office.  I know I’ve been swallowing the pills of the man when when I’m up at night madly popping valerian to counter it/them (pills of man).  I know I don’t write because it’s Good I write because I get to.  Why does it feel so cluttered?  Maybe I’m growing away from what has always been what I thought about writing and returned to to steady myself, my grim resolve, my unabashed fuckit.  What could be the truth, now?

This entry was posted in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *