28th: two days off for family. Read a Joy Wms story that I pictured as part of this cluster of stories that make their “cycle” across writers: the farm + so much water so close to home + a father’s story + o youth and beauty (or another one, not sure which would be best) + … it’s like that whole era of formative stories I loved were all part of the same story, I just had never read this one until now.

today really hard to get back into it, though. and I’m really doubting the aspect of the news, how I write those moments is annoying me. and I am frustrated by trying to answer the motivations questions, which I want to be revealed /after/ the simple experiencing of what it is like– is that unfair? Like in order of how a person experiences motivation which in this book is not I want something so I’m doing something— but I’m doing something, wait, why would I do that?

also I am so uncomfortable from lack of exercise, and my period, and the supreme court= not super concentrate-y. I feel I can put together the fellowship application, though. Though when I finish this one it means I should move onto prepping the fall one and I just hate asking and re-asking for letters I just find it so upsetting.

29th and 30th. Slow but almost thru “voyeur.” It is a hard time with my family. Makes me very sluggish. You know, sad. Not to mention going to protests. I never feel anything good after protests, just dutiful, almost the worst feeling I know. I know you don’t do it to feel good, but maybe to feel or think something you are glad or grateful to feel or think. Hilariously was asked to do a tenure review for a writer who a) I’ve actually read and actually think is great b) is like a superstar why the hell would I evaluate them? c) I declined. I’m booked. But also, I was scared!

Update: I got convinced to do it anyway. It was hard work and I will never know if I did a good job.

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